Emotional Baggage

Emotional Baggage

“The greatest of faults, I should say, is to be conscious of none”  ~Thomas Carlyle

Many of us carry a lot of emotional baggage.                                       

Urban Dictionary defines emotional baggage as:

1. Painful memories, mistrust and hurt carried around from past sexual or emotional rejection.

2. An excuse commonly used by Peter Pans and other immature men to avoid commitment yet maintain a sexual relationship.  Ex. “I don't think I can handle a real relationship right now. I need some time to get over my emotional baggage.”

When we focus on the hurts (real or imagined) of the past, it is hard to look to a bright future. We harbor resentment. We replay every painful moment. We feel the pain over and over. Like a jukebox stuffed with quarters, playing the same song over and over. We become bitter, pessimistic, vengeful, repetitive, afraid, and BORING!

That’s right . .  Boring. Find a friend you can trust to be totally honest, and ask them if they are bored with hearing about your past relationships – the ones that “got away”, hurt you, are jerks, broke your heart, etc. If a friend is bored, imagine how a potential mate will feel.

So, what should you do? Like the jukebox that is driving you crazy, pull the plug. . . . GET OVER IT!!!

“Sure,” you say, “that sounds easy, but you don’t know what I’ve been through!” The thing is . . .  so what! Most people have been hurt by someone. In fact, chances are, many have been through much worse than you have. Look around and you decide which ones are the happy ones. They are the ones that got over it!! They don’t dwell on the past; they look forward to the future. Some people that have been through the worst are the happiest people . . . because they let it go!

Say goodbye to non-soul mate love. If you are in a dead relationship, let go. While you are at it, get rid of reminders of old love. You don’t want to hang on to old hurts any longer. Clean out your closet. Toss out all that “stuff” that drains you, keeping you in a perpetual negative fog. Remove things that keep you stuck in the past. It can be great therapy cleaning out closets, drawers, photo albums and rooms of things that still produce painful memories. Anything that causes a negative feeling needs to go. Do you have clothes in your closet that you don’t wear anymore, but are reminders of a past hurt. Get rid of it!

Unshackle yourself from these negative forces in your life. Work through the pain, and then let it go. If you need a ceremony to help you let go, burn some of these memories, bury them in a box, or some other ritual that symbolizes that these are over, gone, and will not return.

                Now is a good time to take a break from dating, while you work on YOU. You can go out with friends, do things by yourself, take classes, whatever you want, but stay away from dating. Sounds like a drastic measure, right? Well, think about where your life is right now. Why are you reading this? It isn’t because you have already found your soul mate. So, trust me. You can’t get through some of these exercises if you are emotionally attached to anyone right now. They will fog your vision, and make it difficult to be objective. You need to be objective. It doesn’t have to be for long. Just do your homework. Then, when you are ready, you will know what you are looking for, and you will not waste your time, and emotions, on someone that isn’t right for you. You came to me for help, so take my advice!      

While you’re at it, get rid of your clutter. Are you a pack rat? Do you collect “stuff” that just sits and takes up space, just in case “some day” you might need it? Do you have piles of papers, magazines, or old mail sitting on counters, tables, chairs? Is your garage so full of junk that you can’t park your car in it?  If your soul mate were to walk into your home today, would you be embarrassed to show them around? If so, you are filling your life with “stuff” instead of love. Why do you hold on to material things that don't help you?  Would you allow a television to sit in your entertainment center if it did not work? Chances are, you use “things” to fill the emptiness inside. But, these “things” also keep you from having room for someone. Given a choice, would you pick “things” or “love”? You know the answer to that; after all, you’re reading this. So, get to it, clean up your messy life so there is “room” for someone.

                If you don’t believe that this has anything to do with finding love, you are still in the wrong frame of mind. Clutter is just another form of baggage. Clutter allows us to create an excuse to hide behind. If you have a cluttered home, think about how many times you have said (not necessarily out loud), “I can’t go today, because I have to clean house” or “I would love to have people over, but there is no room” or “ I will get around to that just as soon as I (fill in the blank) at home.” If you see yourself in these comments, you have clutter holding you back from love, excitement, and fun.

Another thing clutter does is fills your mind with guilt. You start thinking “when I get this done,” “after I finish this,” “once I do this,” so that you can’t focus on the important things.  We have to let go of all baggage to find love. Think of baggage and clutter as anchors that hold you down. If you were attached to an anchor at sea, you would drown. On dry land, it is like a ball and chain.

The word clutter, according to wikipedia, means:

• a confused multitude of things
• fill a space in a disorderly way
• muddled
• untidy

Clutter is a term used for unwanted echoes in electronic systems, particularly in reference to 

• radars. Such echoes are typically returned from ground, sea, rain, animals/insects, chaff and atmospheric turbulences, and can cause serious performance issues with radar systems.
• Clutter is a term used to describe the phenomenon of a marketplace being full or even overcrowded with products. Clutter is a major problem for marketers and advertisers.
• a confused disordered jumble of things; background echos, from clouds etc, on a radar screen; to fill something with clutter
• cluttered - filled or scattered with a disorderly accumulation of objects or rubbish;
• cluttering - A speech disorder characterized by fast, jerky, or irregular speech, which often sounds like stuttering; An instance of cluttered speech
• When an advertisement is surrounded by other ads, thereby forcing it to compete for the readers attention or the extent to which a publication’s ...

As you may have noticed, there is not a single positive definition for clutter. Clutter causes confusion, chaos, disorder. Apply any of these definitions to a relationship, and it is sure to be disastrous. Can you see, now, why you need to remove all of it from your life?

Removing these weights is all part of a purifying experience to prepare you for the next step.

No, this was not my house, but would you invite someone here?

Does this help?  Here is my story:

I was living in a five bedroom house, filled with the clutter, junk, and memories of over 30 years of adulthood, and five children. Most of my children had left home, but left their junk behind, and each time I moved, I moved all this junk with me. I was overweight. I had a list a mile long of things I wanted to complete before I even thought about having a man in my life.

At my youngest child’s request (he was 16), I got a job in another state, and had to move quickly. I was still working at the job I would soon be leaving, and being a single mother, could not afford to get help moving.

           My son was very excited about the move, and I made it clear to him that he would have to help. One day, he and a friend borrowed a 16 foot trailer and proceeded to literally pitch “things” out the second floor window onto the trailer and hauled them to the dump. Thirty two loads later, my house contained about one fifth of the original contents, which all nicely fit into a 24 foot rental truck. At first, I was furious, but I wasn’t going to the dump to find anything, so I let it go. To this day, I cannot think of anything that was dumped that I have missed, or regretted losing.

We moved into a 3 bedroom apartment with the things we had left. Amazingly, I no longer had a problem keeping the house clean, as all the clutter was gone. There were no piles to move from space A to space B so we could get things done. The study only had computer and study things. Our bedrooms were neat and uncluttered. My bed was even made each morning. I could find things in my kitchen. The living room was always presentable, so there were no excuses for not having someone over.  And, amazingly, I had TIME. Time to do things I have always wanted to do. Time to relax. . . . Time to think about what I wanted in life. . . . Time to realize that I was lonely (I had been single now for 13 years). . .  and Time to focus on the list of qualities that would make my perfect man. I had made this list eleven years earlier, but had not focused on it.  Now, I could read this list, memorize this list, and be ready to recognize “him” when I met him. I also had time to work on me!

In less than a year, I met my soul mate. If my living room had been a mess, or my house a disaster, I would never have opened the door that day that brought him into my life. Had I been worrying about “when I,” “if I.” or “as soon as I finish,” I would not have accepted that first date. But because I had uncluttered my life and said goodbye to things that tied me to the past, I was able to recognize him. I was able to be myself, and had nothing keeping me from falling in love.

               

A man is as big as the things that annoy him

~ anonymous

Getting Started

              “Procrastination is the thief of time” ~ Edward Young

You picked up this book, because you are not happy with a relationship in your life, you have no relationship, or you just left a relationship. You want to find the perfect person for YOU! You have probably exhausted yourself trying to find this person, and you have given up hope that they are even out there.

You want someone in your life, but you don’t know where to start. So, you try random things to find the right person, trying this, then that, and back again. There is no rhyme or reason to your behavior and then you become frustrated because you are not getting anywhere on your road to love. Then, you give up, only to try again later, doing it all over again.

Many years ago, I was told, “"If you always do what you've always done you'll always get what you've always gotten." I learned this quote was from  Peter Urs Bender, keynote speaker and best selling author of five books including "Leadership from Within".  He also warns, "If you continue to do what you've always done - you will get less. Just to stay even you must change what you do - and to grow you must change drastically how you do it." Bender was speaking about communication and leadership skills. However, I have learned that business concepts can frequently be used in life skills as well. This is one of those concepts.

Getting Ready for Love

“It is necessary for the happiness of man that he be mentally faithful to himself”~ Thomas Payne

“All things are ready if our minds be so” ~ William Shakespeare

There is a magical aspect to finding your true love, a feeling that seems to seep through your very soul as he or she comes into your life. But before you get to that point, there is work to do. We become stagnant in our thoughts, and our lives become too congested for love to find its way in. You might have some have healing to do. Everyone must make their life “love-friendly”.

Ok, so how do you do this? Believe it or not, it is not as hard as you may think. It will take some time, and effort, but if the big prize at the end is the love of your life, isn’t it worth it?

Let’s get started . . . . .                

 First things first 

  

“Out of clutter find simplicity; From discord find harmony; In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity.”

 Albert Einstein

I know we are here to find a soul mate, but, before you can even begin to look, you need to take care of some personal things first – like your emotional baggage. Besides, there is no law that says you can’t start living until you find Mr or Ms Right.

To start, you need to stop hating the single life. You need to find yourself before you find your soul mate. Once you're happy with yourself, a soul mate can make you even happier, but no one can fill the emptiness created by not knowing who you are. In fact, it is wrong of you to even expect that of someone else.

Start living now . . . Enjoy your life, go out with friends, and seek paths of self improvement. Spend time developing or pursuing current interests. Seek adventure.  Take classes, and do things that help you grow personally, spiritually, and professionally. Work on creating the life you want to be leading--even if there is no one to share it with yet--and in the process, you will create a fuller, richer, and more welcoming you.

Don't obsess over finding your soul mate. Coming off as needy and desperate for love is not attractive to a soul mate - nor to anyone else, for that matter! In fact, being desperate seems to put off a sense that attracts abusive people. They prey on those who are insecure and in need of having someone. We will discuss this person later, but for now, trust me; you do not want to become this person’s next target. Just be yourself, keep an open mind, and wait.

Spend the next 24 hours thinking about this, and tomorrow, we begin:

  

“Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet” ~ Jean Jacques Rousseau

What is a Soul Mate?

What is a Soul Mate?

"Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies."~ Aristotle

Many people, when talking about a soul mate, are referring to the idea of a ‘twin flame” or “twin soul” – the idea that this soul mate is the one and only other half of one’s soul – the half that makes you whole – the one and only that everyone seeks to find and join. 

When I refer to soul mate, I am not referring to these mystical ideas about a mate. I refer to someone with whom one has a feeling of connection; a natural attraction or feeling of kinship. It is about respect, humor, friendship, honesty, warmth, love, intimacy, spirituality, and compatibility that come when you are in the presence of this person. It is a chemistry that helps you to connect on a different level than any other person.

My sister gave my husband and I an acrylic figurine that defines soul mate as: “A person of whom one has a strong affinity which cannot be expressed through words. A best friend, a lover, a partner, a confidante, a better half, a significant other . . . “ Isn’t this what we want in life?

If I could only use one word to describe how my soul mate makes me feel, it would have to be  content.  I can’t say that I ever felt this way with any other person.  It goes beyond the contentment that a mother feels when she holds her child. It is a contentment that goes to your soul.  This person makes you feel safe, secure, and loved like no other can. Before I met my husband, I had never used this word to describe how a person made me feel. I feel safe to be myself; to say what I feel, and secure enough to be totally honest.

Is your soul mate perfect?  No. Neither are you. However, your soul mate FEELS Perfect to you! 

So, are you are ready to find your soul mate? That person is out there. You just have to prepare yourself to meet that person. That way, when you meet him/her, you will recognize them for the soul mate that they are.

  

In Dreams, and in love, there are no impossibilities ~ James Arany

What You Will Learn

"The moment you have in your heart this extraordinary thing called love and feel the depth, the delight, the ecstasy of it, you will discover that for you the world is transformed."
J. Krishnamurti

What You Will Learn

1. How to enjoy being single until you meet the right person.
2. How to love yourself
3. Get to  know yourself in order to recognize your soul mate
4. You have to prepare yourself for a relationship before you can find true love.
5. Emotional baggage weighs more than you realize.
6. Signs of those who are not right for anyone.
7. How to develop the capacity to identify true love.
8. How to make your life love friendly.                                                   
9. How to build your confidence.
10. How to de-clutter your life.
11. How to step outside your comfort zone
12. How to become more optimistic
13. How to recognize the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.

"Love is indescribable and unconditional. I could tell you a thousand things that it is not, but not one that it is."
Duke Ellington

Introduction continued

As my son got older and more independent, I realized that I was becoming lonely. I knew that once he left home, my life was going to be too quiet. I would have no one. But, I was still sure that I did not want a man in my life, either, did I?

I learned what I am about to teach you by accident. I tripped along this path with no guidance, no help, and no encouragement. I did these things I am about to teach you based on what I had learned in my Psychology classes, and even an art class. I also learned them on the long rough road I took to finding my true love. There were detours, and my own mistakes that made this a very long journey. It took me almost 13 years to find true love. If I can shorten your walk, I will have succeeded in my goal.

 One night, I sat down and looked at the list of the traits of my perfect man, which I had done for my counselor. Why I had saved it, I don’t know. I had kept it in a book with all my poetry, so it was safe from harm, and forgotten. I had reached a point in my life where I could not longer write poetry.

From what I had learned, I developed a plan. I had no idea where I was going with it, but at least I started it.

I want to give you the tools you need to find love, and to avoid the pitfalls that I encountered. I want to give you the encouragement to follow through. I am doing all of this because there is such a prize at the end of this journey, I want everyone to find the happiness that I have found.

I am a person of convictions. I have found myself compelled to write this book. I am so happy in my life, I almost feel guilty. I want others to have the happiness I have found. I have shared some of these ideas with others, and it seems to change people overnight. When you know that there is someone out there for you, it gives you hope.

All of my friends and my family have encouraged me to write this. Everyone I meet, when they hear the story of Jerry and I, and see how happy we are, they want to know how they can do the same.

Happiness creates optimistic people. Seek out happy people. You will not find a pessimist in the bunch. Happiness and pessimism are opposites! 

            When you find your soul mate, I would like to hear from you. I love happy endings . . . . or rather, beginnings.

Special note:

I refer to people in the he/him form, because I am a woman. This does not mean that this won’t work for a man, too. After all, my husband, Jerry, subconsciously did the same things, and found me!

Introduction:1

My name is Diana. I am 60 years old, so I’ve had plenty of time to experience life’s ups and downs. Trust me, I have had my downs. I was the oldest child of alcoholic parents, which was just the beginning.

Prior to marrying my soul mate, I had been married twice, for a total of over 25 years. I had married an alcoholic, and a control freak. I had 5 children. I was beaten, abused, emotionally destroyed, and had my children taken from me. I was overweight, and downtrodden. I was treated with such disrespect that I almost believed that I deserved all of this mistreatment. I was so mentally and emotionally worn down I did not know if I could ever get back up.

I sought counseling, because I was told by my ex that I was nuts. I visited with a therapist for several months, until one day, she  told me I was wasting her time.  She did, however, tell me I should think about seeking another man in my life. RIGHT!!!! That was never going to happen. I was through with men! She gave me an assignment to describe my “perfect man.” That was my last assignment before she told me that I was not in need of counseling and she needed the slot for someone who did need her.

 She had planted a seed, and made me start thinking about what kind of man could sweep me off my feet. This seed was not planted on fertile soil, but it was going to hang on until the environment got better.

After two disastrous marriages, I was convinced I did not want another man in my life. Sure, I dated some men, but I kept my distance. I was sure that I was destined to be alone forever. I even began to enjoy the idea.

I had learned to enjoy being by myself, and always doing things my way. I liked the idea of not having to answer to anyone, or doing things to please someone else. I had met the real me, and I liked myself!  

One day, out of sheer resolve, I walked into a nearby college, and enrolled full time. I was scared, but felt I had to do this.  I was 46 years old, and I was finally going to do something for ME . . . something I had planned to do 25 years earlier. . . but had put it off to be a wife and mother.

Four years later, I graduated Cum Laude with two degrees: A BS in Psychology, and a BA in Political Science. My studies emphasized Sociology and Criminal Justice. I had gone to school with kids younger than some of my own kids, and I had succeeded! What a confidence builder!

I was Vice President of three college clubs. I had been in four honor societies, and on the Dean’s list. I even made the Who’s Who of College students and National Dean’s List!

It took all of this just to convince myself that I was a worthy human being.

Finally, I could hold my head up!  I had the confidence to stand up to my ex and get my child back (the other one had become an adult during this time).